January 13, 2024
I used to be fat and very unfit. I spent a long time wishing someone I knew would take me to the gym, show me the exercises I needed to get fit, and make sure I succeeded in my fitness goals. Or, at least a friend who would help me go to the gym and ease my out-of-shape induced anxiety about it. It never happened. What happened instead is I just sort of went to the gym and tried to figure it out on my own. It was pretty shit and I struggled for a long time. But at least I did it. And that was probably the first time I helped myself when I thought I was helpless on my own.
I guess the gym anecdote may seem a little specific, but it's actually a pretty good example of how I really used to live my life. I always found myself waiting for something to happen. I spent the first chunk of my life in school. I did really well in school, though I actually don't know why. Truthfully, I spent the first half or so of my schooling in a Montessori school that never gave us a grade on anything. I'm pretty sure there I was average. And then I switched to a normal middle and high school and was suddenly graded on my work. I didn't know what to do, but I knew people thought good grades were good, so I just did that. I didn't care so much about getting good grades as I did care that other people cared that I get good grades.
That was pretty much my life's path for the next decade. College is good? I guess I'll go to college. This university is revered and in-state so I get discounted admission? I guess I'll go there. What's my major? Well, programmers are paid well and I like computers (read: computer games), so I guess I'll go into computer science. Getting good grades in college helps with getting a job, so I guess I'll get good (enough) grades here, too. Now, granted, there are definitely several things I did that I specifically chose and wanted to do. I started going to the gym on my own! But, for the most part, I just did what you're supposed to do. Not only did I not know what I really wanted in life, I wasn't aware I was just drifting.
The majority of my life, now, can be explained by inaction: I was just waiting for things to happen to me. I set my boat out to sea and then just let the currents take me wherever they saw fit. Occasionally I cast a net out to catch something glinting at sea that caught my eye. Or, I found myself at an island and weighed anchor for a little while (got good grades, went to college, etc.) I was adrift at sea. Frankly, I wasn't sure I even knew I could steer the boat.
The consequences of this have barely been negative. I actually think it's pretty easy to drift through life sort of aimlessly and just do whatever you're supposed to do, while only sometimes setting your sights on a particular island (goal). Or, only getting off at the islands you feel like. I think increasingly common that people go through this exact process:
If you're currently at step 5 or 6, you should probably start looking for the steering wheel.
Here's a nice little mistake I made that I can point out so you hopefully don't make the same one. You may one day find yourself someone who has a pretty shitty boat, or otherwise finds themself unwilling to put in the work to steer their own boat. Still, they've actually got places they want to sail to. You might become entwined with this person and see they've got places they want to sail to. Well, you've got a boat! Why don't they hop aboard while you take them where they want to go? It's not like you had any specific place in mind you wanted to go. You were just sort of drifting. Clearly this is better than just drifting. Now you're going somewhere!
This is exactly what happened to me when I met my first girlfriend in college. I had no clue what I wanted to do, but she did. She knew she wanted to get out of the midwest and to the west coast. I had no real plans after college, but I knew what she wanted, so I started applying to jobs on the west coast. Did I want to go to the west coast? I don't suppose I really knew. But someone I cared about wanted to go there, so I decided I'd go. I was letting her steer the ship. Or, at least I was letting her tell me where to steer towards. This can actually be really helpful. At least with someone guiding you towards different things, you might be able to find things that truly interest you. It can broaden your horizons in a way you never thought possible while just drifting.
While it seems like a pretty good deal for awhile, this situation is actually very precarious. For example, what if they decide they want to steer your boat somewhere you aren't keen on going? Or, what if you decide you want to steer your boat somewhere they have no interest in? You've already relinquished your right to guide the boat, so now what do you do? Or, what if you suddenly really start disliking your captain for one reason or another? From my experience, this situation does not end very well.
For the most part, you can get on just fine by drifting. But when you enter the doldrums, the illusion that you're going somewhere vanishes. When there's no more wind to push you somewhere new each day, it becomes very obvious you're just sitting in the same spot. You're not making any progress. You'll look around and see how disappointed you really are with how little you've moved. How little progress you've made in your life.
For me, and probably a fucking lot of people, the Covid-19 pandemic really kicked off a nasty set of doldrums. When you literally can't go anywhere, it becomes painfully obvious how still you are. Surrounded by the same four walls, your lack of accomplishment stares you right in the face. Only in the doldrums do you really look back at your path and realize how you've barely moved at all. When the winds pick up again, you'll be sure to steer this time.
I'm not going to lie to you, steering your own boat can be scary and difficult. It's really hard to figure out what you want in life. It's even harder to figure out how to figure out what you want to do in life. I'm still not really sure how to do it. Mostly, what you want to do it just kinda there. It's just a little blurry. A little out of sight, out of reach. Perhaps, tucked away in the corner of your mind to prevent yourself from the pain of failure. But you should grasp at it. You should focus your gaze on the horizon and try to make sense of what's there. It's the only way you'll be able to figure out where the hell you need to go.
Eventually you'll probably realize that steering your own boat is way more fun and fulfilling than just staying adrift at sea. The first thing I set my eyes on was travel (pretty obvious, coming off a pandemic, I suppose). I knew I wanted to see the world, so I focused on getting a remote job so I could go wherever I wanted. And then I went away. And it was pretty fucking awesome. But things are usually only awesome for a little while. Travel will lose its luster and you'll want to steer somewhere else for awhile. That's okay, though, because now you know how to guide yourself. Take another long look over the horizon for your next destination and set off.
This one was pretty stream-of-conscious, but I still think this is an important topic. I hope you'll steer your boat somewhere you're truly interested in, and I hope you won't let anyone else steer for you. I hope you won't let yourself drift away at sea forever until you sink. You'll miss out on the majesty of life, and I can't have that.s